Meeting Peanut

The Cottage Home urban neighborhood in Indianapolis was pretty close-knit.  I knew everyone who lived on my Polk Street block. Three children with dirty faces and shaggy clothes often wandered, played and explored the area freely during summers together. I was never quite sure where their parents were, or where the kids lived. They’d saunter by daily trying to make eye contact and make some conversation about what they saw or did that day.  I was usually friendly toward them, but guarded. I didn’t know their parents, and it was a rough neighborhood, around the edges.  I did like to lightly inquire about their care-free activities if I happen to be outside. On this one particular summer day in 2001, I heard strange sounds of peeps or squeaks and the kids were walking briskly talking excitedly.  I could not quite figure out what they had as they were walking toward me.  

As they made their bee-line approach toward my steps from a distance, they were holding their arms up in front of them as if trying to protect their chests.  Still, I could hear the odd peeping sounds, but I could not make out what they were doing or what they had.  When they were within about 10 feet of my stoop, they began to proudly announce “We found kittens!! Do you want one??”  They happened upon a litter of kittens, which they proudly and openly displayed as their new treasure. It all became clear when I could see that each child had 2-3 kittens hanging for dear life from the front of their shirts like live kitten-jewelry, screaming in their own kitty words “HELP!!!  SOMEBODY SAVE ME!!!”  I felt on that day that I could understand the language of the feline species.  My heart sunk a bit, and soon thereafter, my next-door neighbors, Dana and Emily, as well as Jen, who lived across the street, came outside to see what all the commotion was about. They likely saw the group of us out their windows and heard the talking.  We adults were all friends and knew each other. We also knew that the children were clearly without much parental guidance.  I suspected each of us felt a similar amount of helplessness for the kittens’ situation, as we had no idea where the kids had found them, and they were already taken far from their mother and their home. If I remember correctly, Jen took two grey kittens, and Em and Dana also adopted one of them. 

When I asked to see the only tiger-striped kitten of the bunch, the child removed the screaming "kitten-ornament" from their shirt, handed it to me, and I gently held it in my arms.  The kitten became quiet, and I could see that the fear on his little kitten-face relented as I held him. His whole demeanor was calmed. I knew at that moment that I could never hand it back to the child, or anyone else, and that the kitten was now mine.....  Peanut.

A Writer Is Someone Who Wrote Something Today

This morning, I disclosed to one of my cousins that I wanted to be a writer. He asked me if I have considered starting a blog, and stated "a writer is someone who wrote something today". It was then I decided that I must begin to write, basically every day. It is the reason I am writing right now. A writer must write. Yeah....pretty obvious, but then why have I not been writing?

I find it extremely interesting that I do not do things that I enjoy, or want to....even when I have the freedom to do them. It's frustrating to me that I don't and I'm never sure quite of the reasons why I don't do what I want to or enjoy.....it's very mysterious. If I try to trace it back, I guess it would begin with a decision, or lack there of. I notice that I need to make a conscious decision to do something. Unless I "make the conscious decision" to do something (or to NOT do something), it will simply not happen. For example, one day I read in a little "quite-smoking pamphlet" that one needs to make the decision to stop/quit smoking in order to quit. It seems so basic, but then why don't we just live this? When I realized this in my heart, then I simply made the conscious decision to quit smoking cigarettes, and I have never smoked since.

Also, I love to cook for friends and try new recipes, but I very seldom make the conscious decision to coordinate the cooking event (ie. choose friends, schedule a time, invite the friends, choose a recipe, get the ingredients, set the table, cook the meal....).

So my question is: If I enjoy doing something, why don't I actively and frequently do that thing I enjoy? I see others "following through" often and frequently/actively doing things they enjoy. What exactly is keeping me from making the conscious decisions to actively pursue enjoyable activities? Wouldn't it be better if I did? Wouldn't I be happier? I want to understand the obstacles and then remove or destroy those obstacles from my life....

So, this morning, I did make the conscious decision to write today, and I did succeed. Now I am very curious what tomorrow will bring, and whether or not I make the decision to write tomorrow on my blog again......stay tuned, eh?

Being on the Fringe

I absolutely love the current Fringe TV show. The only things that bother me are the number and creepiness of the deaths that occur during the episodes, and perhaps the really gross bugs and monsters that come from insides of bodies. It truly is an amazing artistic creation, filled with little details that resonate with me directly, and bring pure delight to me as I watch.

The old house that Peter and Walter live in, and the beautiful staircase drew me in, since my own house of 110 years has very similar architecture and staircase. One episode had an Italian coffee maker sitting on the back wall of the office, on a ledge. This particular little prop thrilled me, because every morning I enjoy making and drinking my own coffee with a similar Italian coffee maker. For a while, I was drinking raw milk, so the cow even gave me delight. Also, the "science" that drives so many of the discussions during the episodes, the laboratories, and the brilliant, absent-minded professor-esc "Walter" character brings me back to my graduate school days as a chemistry graduate student at Colorado State University.

I also appreciate the strength of Olivia Dunam, as a single women living in "this world"....well, technically both worlds. :-) I'll never forget the scene where she's caught in the other world and on the run, trying to get to her safe place. She stops with the taxi driver to get gas, and she goes inside the typical crappy gas station restroom and just breaks down crying. I just love how real that is, to me anyway. I consider myself a pretty strong, independent, single woman (*and also looking for happiness thru love) living in this world, and quite frankly, sometimes I just have to break down and release my fears, tensions, angers and sadnesses. I can relate to that. I can relate to not always being able to be completely strong...with a poker face. And frankly, I don't want to or want to have to. My emotions make me feel alive. So, another thing I love about the show, I think most, is just the pieces of "realness" that it captures and that allows me to really connect with the characters, and feel like I am actually a part of what is happening in the show. This way, it brings more OMG or "holy crapoly!" moments....and even more "holy shit!" moments.

The script writing and character development are absolutely fabulous, and I just needed to write in my blog what a treat this show is in my life, and that it quite simply.....brings me such great enjoyment (despite all the creepy bugs and worms!). <:)

A Ride Around Downtown Indy

It was extremely windy outside on this late October day, but I decided to ride my bike around outside anyway. First stop, after passing by the Capital building….my favorite fountain in downtown near the canal. This was the first fountain I ever saw in Indianapolis when I moved here and it captured my heart and love of nature. Look how it appears that deer is running right towards you!
I followed the canal further along, went over the White River bridge and took the trail behind the zoo. This is such a neat trail. The thought of all those exotic zoo animals right behind the big limestone walls, and just the pleasant way the park is decorated with trees, big hunks of limestone, and even some neat cathedral architectural pieces.

I continued to follow the canal northward, and stopped at a new little café called “The Left Bank Cafe'“ for a cup of coffee and a scone. I love blueberry scones. I just sat there, and read the Wall Street Journal. In doing so, I learned that our U.S Troops were given playing cards with pictures of Iraqis’ Most-Wanted pictures on them during the 2003 invasion. This is something that I did not know before today. A photo of Traiq Aziz, supposedly Saddam Hussein’s right hand man, was on the 8 of spades card. At that moment, I felt uncomfortable with the fact that my favorite number is 8, because it announced that he was sentenced to death for his war crimes. The dude was 74 years old. Supposedly, he was responsible for torturing and executing 250,000 Shiites and/or their supporters. Now, I don’t know any Shiites personally, but I find it have a hard to imagine that any one of them would be such a bad person that they would deserve to be tortured or killed. It doesn’t sound to me from the article that there was very much tolerance or respect toward these people.

For the record, my personal belief is that each living human being deserves respect and tolerance at a minimum, and love for that matter.

After I finished my scone and coffee, I continued my bike ride along the cultural trail. I stopped at AV Framing Gallery to say hello to owner and friend Sarah Adams, and then continued on my way since she was busy with appointments. Always wonderful to see her. I stopped at a neat-looking business called Zesco.com which was right alongside the cultural trail. I can't ever remember meeting such a friendly and fun business manager before in my life, especially around this city. My God, this guy must love his job. It was so fun! It made me almost want to start up my own restaurant or coffee business, just to get a chance to work with him! He’d be able to supply me with everything I’d need too.

On my way home, I passed by the Scottish Rite Cathedral, which is an absolutely beautiful structure. I snapped the doors, and their grandeur kinda gives a taste of what the entire building is like. Have a look...

And last but not least, I rode by my OTHER favorite Indianapolis fountain on my way home. It’s flowing water is surrounded with kids dancing in a circle and a topless goddess, who’s playing the symbols above them while they all dance around together. Downtown Indianapolis is just plump full of architectural treasures.

Another Day in Mid-Life Retirement

It’s been 3 weeks since I have been unemployed.

Today began with a storm, literally. Two cats scampering to get inside the house first thing in the morning because they were hungry, while winds picked up and thunderstorm sirens began. I sat on my back step watching the storm clouds move northward above me for about 10 minutes. They were very grey and scary-lookin’ but they didn’t seem to be anywhere near making a ruckus.

About 15 minutes later, I was trying to herd the cats into the basement as huge gusts of wind and rain slammed against my kitchen windows, blocking all views to the back yard. It was exciting and scary. It got my juices flowing. I checked the radar and sure enough, it indicated that there was a storm overhead. Glad I checked that….just to be sure. (I am rolling my eyes at this activity)

After the storm blew threw in about 10 minutes, all was calm again. It continued to rain a while.

I took a nap and slept beautifully. As usual, I didn’t want to stop napping, as Peanut was snuggled in the bed with me and it was so soft and warm and cozy. But, I got myself up anyway and made my bed. When I decided to go back to bed again, I couldn’t because I’d already made the bed. Disappointment set in…until I noticed what a beautiful day it had turned into. Autumn breezy and sunshine. I needed to get ready for my outside exercise and write my blog post!

As I continued to wonder around my house trying to think of what to write in my blog today, I kept getting stuck. I had promised my friend. We both agreed we would have a blog post by this evenings’ regular walk, and here it was, 3:00pm already.

After eating some snacks, I next found myself watching YouTube videos of women’s pregnant bellies. It was footage of babies kicking, and according to the mothers, it hurts when they kick. It reminded me of the episodes on Fringe right before an alien or giant worm or some kind of monster would exit one of their bodies, killing the host. Hopefully that is not ultimately what pregnancy is like for me. That is, if I still become pregnant before it’s too late.

Weird blog post? Perhaps….

Rainbows in My Rooms

Remember the physics lab session where we shined a light through a glass prism and it created a rainbow of light? Man, I hated physics, despite my love of chemistry. I know, that’s probably a little odd, but then, I am bizarre based on a colleagues' “positive description word”. I’ll take it as a compliment, because I don’t ever want to be “normal”. I guess that makes me special, eh? :-)

The lines of rainbow across the wall in my office come from my oval, colored leaded glass window.

Some are so subtle too…. Do you see the rainbow in this next photo, right below the cats’ paws?

In my 110-year-old home, I have rainbows everywhere during the day. I did not notice, nor enjoy these nearly enough while I was at the office all day long, while employed. Now, I do…

I would imagine that the architects that lived 115 years ago thought about the use of leaded glass windows and light within a residential structure a smidge differently than they do now-a-days. Due to significant expense, leaded glass windows are not used quite as often when homes are built today, unless maybe you are very, very wealthy. This is just another reason why I love this old house I live in. I would say that my “old house soul” is happy here to a great extent, but I also recognize that I am not enjoying it with anyone (besides Peanut, the cat). Thus, my plan remains to move west, closer to loved-ones. After all, as hard as they try, houses can’t hug....

Unemployment Experience

I am continuing to be fascinated by my experience as an unemployed individual. I receive so many spam emails attempting to help me find a job and return to the workforce. Various tips and tricks to get me hired. I see them, and then move on without opening them. I read posts on LinkedIn about other peoples' experiences. They share that they are desperate, depressed, unable to find work and miserable. This has not been my experience.

The truth is, I have no desire to find work just yet. I am enjoying every minute of the break from a daily grind of work that has lasted 16 years for me. I feel it is extremely important for me right now to stop and figure out what will make me happy in a career. We spend a multitude of our "life hours" working to earn money to live, but how much of that time do we really gain satisfaction from our daily activities? How many of us actually ensure that our jobs align with our personal values? How many of us are honest with ourselves about our own personal values, in order to pursue those types of jobs or career directions? I can honesty say that I have not been honest with mine, over the years. My current goal is to pursue and achieve that important alignment in my life. I have full faith that I will, and the faith that when I do, the career (or job) of my dreams will come straight to my doorstep.

So, I have been relaxing, able to sleep in as long as I desire in the morning. I am observing myself in a state of "non-schedule" and it's very intriguing to me. I go to parks, sit by the reservoir, and walk to enjoy the beauty of nature. I spend time interacting, snuggling and/or playing with my pets. I take long, relaxing epsom salt baths. I actually take time to read the paper I receive each weekday. I watch movies from Netflix....probably more movies since I've been unemployed than I have in my entire life. I also explore new subjects, opportunities and possibilities from internet using my computer screen as a window. I am learning more and more about myself, and acknowledging the beauty of my own soul.

Aside from this, I do continuously battle the voice inside my head that tells me I should not be relaxing -- the voice that says it's NOT okay for you to spend your time on anything but the *highest* priority of FINDING A JOB again. Honestly, I love not working. I love having the hours of time I have never had before to really think, pray, meditate, calm my mind and truly evaluate what is important to me, and for me in my life. Right now, I will keep these things to myself....

Since my most intimate and beloved friend moved west to Oregon, I do feel lonely and miss him dearly. We keep in touch using all forms of technology, but it doesn't replace the warmth and comfort of personal touch and his loving arms around me. I will go see him for a visit soon, and also get to see my sister and niece and nephew while out there. For this trip, I am grateful. This trip gives me something to look forward to and gives me hope and happiness.